He just kept saying that Dean and Sam had to be born. I mean, after I started yelling at him he backtracked with something about- about amplifying what was already there? But the point is that they fixed us up.
No. He said we've been free of cupid influence for a while now, and that... [Her voice gets audibly more pissed the fuck off.] I need to "think about how I really feel about you."
Like he has any right. [She feels like crying. She probably sounds like it, too.]
[He trails off, scrubbing a hand over his face. He's over this shit. Demons, angels, kids, fucking all of it. A man can only be wrung out emotionally so many times before he's fed up.]
Is this even worth it anymore?
[He doesn't mean it. He's just completely exhausted, mentally and emotionally.]
[Worth it. Is it worth it. Mary can understand why he'd wonder, but to hear him actually say it- she holds the away for a moment, pointing the speaker away but not covering it well enough to muffle the sound when she presses a hand over her mouth and lets out a dry sob, then another, until it wells up harder and she's actually crying, but trying (in vain) to keep it quiet so he can't hear.]
That's not what I meant, baby. It just feels like whatever we do, something's trying to split us. The angels, all the goddamn secrets, Dean...what'll happen next time?
[She can't even answer for a long, painful moment. She just slowly slides down the wall to the floor and draws her knees to her chest, feeling young and very, very small. She doesn't know the answer. Nothing like this has ever happened to her before. Marriage was always supposed to be something beautiful, something perfect- it was never that, but at least at home they thought it was. The shine stayed on, even if someone else put it there, and they were happy sometimes.
A whisper:] I want to go home.
[Clearing her throat and speaking up louder.]
I can't give up because of them. Whatever happens, John, I want it to be because we decided it. I'm not letting them hurt us and I'm not letting them win. Whatever decisions we make, we make them ourselves. I married you, not them.
[He sighs loudly and leans back against the wall. He's almost inclined to agree with her. Hell is waiting for him back home, but at least he wouldn't have to deal with all this doubt and longing.]
Would it really be our decision? Anything between us, it'll all go back to this Cupid shit.
Keep going like normal. Maybe what he said about amplifying what's already there was the truth- maybe it wasn't. We still need to treat this like we were before. Deal with our problems like- like adults.
[There's some strain in her voice. Or, okay, a lot. She's sick and tired of having to be the adult in a relationship with someone 20 years her senior. She doesn't know everything and she wishes people wouldn't expect her to.
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[He's having a hard enough time getting around the thought in his head. She doesn't need to say it and make it that much more real.]
There's something he didn't tell you. Has to be.
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Have they been doing it to us here?
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Like he has any right. [She feels like crying. She probably sounds like it, too.]
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How do you really feel about me?
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I love you.
[That part is easy. The issue is that now, she wonders if she isn't being forced to love him- and him being forced to love her.]
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[Hold on, he's trying to find the right words.]
Under that. How do you feel about me?
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I... I don't know. It's not an easy answer, John. I know I don't want to just give up because Michael couldn't keep his thoughts to himself.
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[He trails off, scrubbing a hand over his face. He's over this shit. Demons, angels, kids, fucking all of it. A man can only be wrung out emotionally so many times before he's fed up.]
Is this even worth it anymore?
[He doesn't mean it. He's just completely exhausted, mentally and emotionally.]
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No, Mary. No, I didn't- I mean, I lov-
[Oh God, how does he fix this?]
That's not what I meant, baby. It just feels like whatever we do, something's trying to split us. The angels, all the goddamn secrets, Dean...what'll happen next time?
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A whisper:] I want to go home.
[Clearing her throat and speaking up louder.]
I can't give up because of them. Whatever happens, John, I want it to be because we decided it. I'm not letting them hurt us and I'm not letting them win. Whatever decisions we make, we make them ourselves. I married you, not them.
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Would it really be our decision? Anything between us, it'll all go back to this Cupid shit.
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What do we do now?
[You're the one that's good with feelings and relationships, Mary. He has no clue where to go from here.]
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[There's some strain in her voice. Or, okay, a lot. She's sick and tired of having to be the adult in a relationship with someone 20 years her senior. She doesn't know everything and she wishes people wouldn't expect her to.